Do thoughts create reality?

I’ve been having symptoms for the past year of perimenopause. Irregular periods, heavy periods, mood swings, severe cramps, breast tenderness, decreased libido, bloating, it’s a frustrating list. When I was pregnant with my middle child, and again when pregnant with my youngest child my midwife in each case told me that how I treated myself after the birth would have a huge impact on how I went through menopause. At the time there wasn’t much I could do, in either case. Both midwives advised me to get more support from friends, family, from anywhere I could get it. I didn’t have much luck finding it, and being young and healthy, I did what I felt was necessary for our family which meant not really taking care of myself.

A week ago I had an ultrasound which showed cysts on both ovaries, the cyst on the left one being complex.  I’ve had enough exposure to “new age” thinking (and I don’t know if it needs quotes anymore) that I wonder if somehow my shame about the poor boundaries in my family, and about my body in general, contribute to the health issues I have.  People who have been through trauma tend to blame and shame themselves a lot.  Of course everyone experiences trauma differently, so experiences are as unique in some ways as people themselves.  Taking trauma out of the  picture entirely, there is a huge amount of information on the mind-body connection, and while I may be a bit of a hypochondriac it’s hard to ignore that.  Whether or not the cysts are a result of poor care of myself while pregnant and in the post-partum period, or shame that started while I was in the womb, or just the random nature of life and health, dealing with them involve pain, medications, and trusting my body to doctors for some solution.

I had hoped to find a female gynecologist, but it would have meant weeks of disabling pain to be that picky.  That leaves me stuck with a man, who doesn’t look friendly and will immediately judge me because of the medications I’m on.  Today has been better because basically I haven’t moved all day, but how realistic is that?  The other issue is, of course, the worry about ovarian cancer.  The fact that I carry a recessive gene for ataxia-telangiectasia makes me more susceptible to all types of cancer.  The fact that my Dad was a physician and my Mom was a compulsive worrier who catastrophized everything makes me more susceptible to such thoughts.

Getting back to the title, have my thoughts of shame about my body and sexuality caused some of the problems I have with the parts of my anatomy that make me female?  It’s hard to know.  My fibromyalgia, if that’s what it is, has changed the way I see the medical profession.  Trusting your body to people you don’t trust in general doesn’t make this any easier.  Fear doesn’t help either though, so I guess it’s back to Buddhism and seeing my thoughts as just that, thoughts.  Meditation cushion, here I come.  May everyone reading this  find relief from shame and toxic thoughts, may everyone, everywhere find relief from shame and toxic thoughts, and may all beings be free.


~ by janetlandis on October 6, 2009.

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